Hello, fellow kinky person! Since you’re reading this I can only assume that you’re looking to jump into the dating pool that intersects with those interested in BDSM!
Sex is important. Connecting with someone on metal level is arguably just as important as connecting with someone on a physical level. So, if you find that you’re interested in kink and fetish you’re definitely going to need to find a long-term partner who’s interested in those things too! Here are a few tips for all of you newbies when it comes to taking the plunge into the kinky dating pool!
1. Beware of creeps
Just like normal dating, there are some creepy people who are into BDSM dating. You need to beware of anyone who describes themselves as an “alpha”. While there are many men and women who characterize themselves as such, this can be a sign of arrogance and disregard for limits.
Anyone who comes off as “too dominant” or outright states they don’t play with a safe word is someone you should be cautious of or outright avoid. These people are not practicing Safe Sane Consensual (SSC) kink or RACK, which should be your standards.
Additionally, beware of clingy subs. There are plenty of people who will try to manipulate you from the tip and from the bottom. Shitty people come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, colors, and sexual roles. So be careful!
2. Always discuss likes/dislikes and limits!
Before you engage in any sexual activity (especially kink) you need to have a sit-down with the other person and discuss your fetishes and limits. Limits are characterized as either hard or soft. Hard limits are not to be tested, soft limits may be tested under certain circumstances with the consent of those involved.
This discussion – while scary to initiate – will make sure that you connect on a sexual level with this person! In my opinion vanilla couples should do this too, but you definitely need to do this with any kinky partners you might have.
3. Don’t just tie each other up immediately
While it might be exciting to find someone, you’re attracted to who shares your kinks, don’t get too excited. Kink is risky and you need to trust that the other person has your best interest in mind before you break out the handcuffs!
Trust is built. So make sure you build that trust or if you’re playing at play party, make sure you’re playing around DM’s who are hyper vigilant and will intervene if needed.
4. Find the balance between physical and mental attraction, don’t just stay with a pretty face
This is a huge problem with both vanilla and kinky people! Don’t just stay with someone because the physical chemistry is good. Yes, it’s amazing to find someone who’s super-hot and super kinky in the same ways you’re kinky, but don’t stay with them if they’re a bad person or if there’s no mental connection.
There’s no harm in having play partners, who are people who you get along with and connect with on a physical level but aren’t the kind of people you pursue a serious relationship with.
There are other kinky fish in the kinky sea. You will find someone who you connect with both physically and mentally. I promise you this person isn’t the only person you’ll meet who’s into the same set of things as you!
5. Understand poly and casual sex, ready yourself for rejection
A brief note on poly: there are a lot of people within the kinky community who identify as polyamorous. This can mean a lot of different things. This could mean they casually date outside of their relationship, this could mean they have sex outside of their relationship, or this can mean they have multiple partners.
A lot of poly people have a core relationship with one other person, so don’t feel discouraged if a relationship with a poly person doesn’t work out because they have a core relationship. It happens, rejection happens, you’ll survive.
Additionally, a lot of people in the kink community are only interested in casual sex. Not everyone wants a relationship. If you’re looking for something long-term make sure you have this conversation before you start developing feelings that may not be mutual.